Innocence and Ignorance.

Since I heard about those trending videos of kids on the Internet, I would like to use this photo to share what I have to say. You act surprised with these kids when you hand them iPads to get their heads occupied? Listen.

I worry for these kids, perhaps we are blind to see that these children are crying for affection, for quality time, reflection of ourselves, of what we have done on earth for the next generations since grown-ups no longer have time to watch them and guide them grow. They are unprepared for these social pressures they were born into, their innocence are being eaten alive by our ignorance. No more playmates to run on field because everybody’s busy making friends inside the virtual world. Parents post photos of food instead of saying grace before they eat. Parks and picnic groves are now emptied and no more Sunday’s without phones being used. We are the reflection of our children, we have responsibilities in molding our children to be our better selves, they observe everything on their own to learn things everything that they don’t understand and imitate us on how we abuse these technologies. How come we are so good in judging this children when we, ourselves, old and experienced still act like we have no knowledge and fault about the things we have created?

I’m glad to be born during the time of patintero, luksong-baka, tagu-taguan, and pagpapalipad ng saranggola.’ 

  
So lucky to be born when I had my pen and paper to write what I feel and learned from the day. 

I’m happy I was born yesterday, when letters for parents on Valentine’s days were given on hand, with hugs and kisses. 

Glad to have experienced fighting with my cousin’s for the meat from the pinakbet when it’s served on the table.

I’m one lucky kid to have experienced running and jumping with my aunts through the rain believing I’ll grow tall on the first rainfall of May, 

To have written my first crush through my perfected handwriting and we’re very nervous whenever I received his replies.

So lucky to have received postcards from aunts with all the things written on the back sharing what it felt during the moments.

To enjoy the whole day running wild, hunting spiders, and building tree-houses, climbing trees, and catching dragon flies. 

Now, time flies without real memories to look back. Our connection to the real world has gone meaningless. 

Everything is filtered, everything is falling apart.
We still can save our children, make some time to sit or to play with them, to cook, eat without touching phones. Fix their hair, look into their eyes and discover their special characteristics. Soon everything online is just another photo and not as remarkable as the real memories we can reminisce.

Beyond horizon.

I am thinking of writing a book, this is my original story, tell me if it’s interesting so I can keep writing…

Prologue.

He pulled a stick out of the pack, lit and started smoking. He is facing the computer but with his thoughts away from the screen. Everything was blurry aside from that line constantly moving in and out, waiting for the next words to type. He turned his head right outside the window and found a bird resting on as if it was on a deep thought. It reminded him about a story the lady told him when he was on a boat during his first travel out of the rich mountains of Vanadu to the islands of San Clemente about the little girl who tried to save the bird with a broken wing. 

The little girl walked everyday from home to the forest to take the bird with her on the top of the tallest tree to watch the horizon. She prayed everyday to the old trees and the mountains that the bird can fly again. 

She stayed awake every night to watch the bird sleep and feed the bird when it’s hungry. One day the little girl fell asleep but awaken by the wind. She checked the bird but the bird was gone.

The little girl began to worry as she dreamt some hungry animal took it away and ate it. She blamed herself for being heedless and she began to get ill. She spent everyday taking care of the bird now she misses the bird and she knows her hopes of seeing the bird again will be very unclear.
Months have passed and she became well and went back to the forest to gather some woods. She passed by the tallest tree and decided to climb. Again, she’s able to watch the beautiful horizon. 

She reached the top and to her surprise she found a nest on the edge of the branch with a familiar creature sitting on it. The bird was well and it has been wandering on the top of the trees and beyond the horizon. 

Her heart started to live again, and with joy it was filled. She thanked the old trees and the mountains for listening to her prayer.

PART ONE.

…

A GYPSY THOUGHT.

Walking in an endless direction, being just fine with no destination. Just keep walking like you know where you are heading even your thoughts, you have no idea that it might lead you to an empty dead end. Who cares? Everyone’s gonna meet their dead ends anyway? Everyone’s going to face the dead end. That’s the truth. The journey to everywhere you’re heading through is more important than wherever the destination.

Freedom. Everyone are thirsty about this. Who doesn’t wanna be free? The freedom fro money, the freedom to do whatever one wants, the freedom to be what you want to be, the freedom to be who ever you want to be. That’s human. Freedom is what give us strength to do what we want. It’s an excuse we use to take unbeaten paths. The excuse we use to do things that are against the grain. The excuse we use to play unheard songs, we want to be free and different. Why do we want to be different? Because it makes a history. The society will remember people who took the less travelled road. The society will remember people who didn’t behave well. The people who walk against them. That’s the irony and truth about life, people will start judging and hating you for taking an unusual step but then in the end they will start to accept your difference and praise you and remember you as if they’ve been with you from the start. They will act like they never judged you and pretend that they have been praising your state of being. the way you have been and the way you have been treating life. They thought it’s crazy, but in the end they will embrace it. That’s the truth about society, they only suck you when they know there’s blood to suck in.

The truth is, no one will accompany you in a cold narrow road, they will throw you ice balls, take your blanket, blow you wind to  make it colder and more difficult to pass. People are genuinely ambitious but that’s all they’ve got, ambition, and when finally someone took the step to make that ambition come true, they get jealous, they will pull you down, do anything to pull you back where you are supposed to be.

Don’t be scared to take that road you have been dreaming of taking yourself into. One day, they will see you on  the top and wish they could be you, one day they will kneel down and praise you like they have never treated you like the math under their feet. Just walk, take the step, don’t listen to this cowards. They have dreams but never had the courage to live it and make it happen. If you have the guts to go against the grain, do it,fight for your dreams. You deserve to have a beer with those people above the mountain. 🙂

Christmas blues.

Years ago, I was 13 years old, it was the time that my grandmother passed away, I was raised by her since I was a baby. She was buried on December 23 and the next day was the Christmas Eve.

The night was very long, the noiseless surrounding was hurting my ears. Was it real that she’s gone and won’t ever see her again? Why didn’t she die after Christmas? Or new year? Or why did she have to die? It was the most painful day of my life. It was painful because it was the day people are supposed to be happy, the day people share warm embraces and laughter to one another. Christmas has been the most melancholic day of the year. It’s only me and Willy (my gay uncle who’s almost the same age as me) are the ones left for each other. We were young, we didn’t know what to do, how we were gonna live the next days without her.

I remember us counting down the time before we grill 2 sticks each of a tiny barbecue, after that we go to bed. It was just so lonely and we had to try to be happy for each other. I can’t even remember the next more years, what we have been doing on the Christmas eves because it was always the same. We just felt lonely if we go out to see other families having get togethers, eating a lot of delicious food, laughing and dancing and singing.

2012 was my favorite year. I celebrated White Christmas for the first time of my life and when I got back to Philippines, in a snap I became a beauty queen, the next thing I know I was already in Paris and as I got back back again to Philippines, I was waving to a lot of people for winning a runway competition. I had the best moments of my life I could ask. I was lucky, I had to cry. I’ve never had such amazing things happened to me considering where I came from and what I have been through.

And yesterday, I was thinking, how about last Christmas Eve? Actually, I was happy. I woke up in a winter having the feeling like I was in the summer. I was like a child that arose from the bed for chocolates. Willy was happy, everybody was happy. One of the most amazing Christmas of my life. I didn’t have anything but I felt like I did have everything.

A glass of COLD WATER.

Good read.

I entered the university when I was 15, now I’m 22, still in college.

At the age of 22, I can say, I have been living a life with full of adventures. I was a farmer, a mountain girl but I had eagerness to see the world. I’ve travelled islands to islands, cities to cities. I’m not finished with studies yet, but I will for sure, for now, I’ll take every boat that brings me to different oceans and planes that travels me back to time. I will pause time and save beautiful pictures into my memory. I will live young and wild. I will explore around and beyond the box.

A piece.

I’ve always thought I was an eagle,
I’ve seen so many oasis and over.
Always been looking down to see some source of life,
And every-time I see one, I observe and watch straight,
I fly down-fast like I was the wind, and the wind was my prey.

I said to me I was a free-soul,
but then maybe I wast just running, running and running to seek a life.
I might be that soul that doesn’t belong to anyone,
whose looking for life but fated to be the restless one.

I am the dissatisfaction,
I feel empty with just a beautiful world, but there’s no safety from the journey until the cruel world,
I feel divided with melancholy and happiness either way I choose to live,
I’m thirsty of a balance, I want to feel natural,
I want to be the line in between.

I feel like my world is just the sides of the star,
I feel like it’s an infinite rotation,
Will I always be that person who will have to choose between just left or right forever?

Goodbye. I’m leaving.

Today, as I got out of my room, alone, took a tricycle, went to a remittance, sent money to my Tatay. Went to Buddy’s (Filipino restaurant) had my first meal of the day at 3:34 pm. I’m broke, didn’t have any money but I preferred to spend the last pieces to my Tatay and treat myself a good meal even if I have bills to settle. While sitting at the resto, out of my consciousness I opened WordPress app and started typing. I felt like writing something but can’t figure out what it is. I have so much inside me that wants to come out. Drama? Maybe it is. But is drama has always something to do with money? I think the only drama in me is about being broke. I get the sick feeling when I know I have nothing more in my bank. Do I really have to pay for all those bills? I’m single. I don’t have to. I call my self a gypsy but I’m scared to be homeless. Hypocrisy, I feel hypocrite. Is it about time to let go of that house? While writing this thing, I realized, I still couldn’t let go of that safety. But I’m scared to not have any choice. I am scared to not have something to go back to. These thoughts are making me crazy. They don’t deserve a big attention.

But then, what am I scared about? I am not scared at all. Actually, I just have to listen to my heart, it’s hurting because I’m over-using it. I have to take care of it now and listen to it. I have to let go of the worries. I am free and those things around me makes things limited if I won’t let them go. Goodbye safety, I’m breaking up with you.

How do you help a BLIND man?

I thought CHANGE is the only constant thing in the world, but then I realized that there are certain things in the world that you cannot change.
Helping those people that only waits for something to fall from the sky, you can never make their pockets full but you will become like them one day if you keep on believing that you’re really helping by sending them money all your life. You can spend the rest of your life working from far away and they will still be same when you come back. In the end you will become broke old woman from working a lifetime, didn’t make a difference in their lives. Sometimes, not doing anything is better than helping.
Teach them how to plant, not to harvest. Keep your priorities straight, sometimes doing nothing is better than sending money to help.

I cannot say much about this writing but I know something about BLIND people. They will never see things. You can either be their guide forever or you can watch them walk alone.

It hurts to watch them struggle to find their way and as much as you want to help them whenever they fall or get burnt whenever they touch the lamp, they need to discover their other senses and let them learn to walk alone.

Beggars: A misfortune or a choice?

I went to walk along Makati ave, a kid went to me asking for money, I went to get him something from 7eleven, then decided to take a taxi that went to pass along Gil Puyat, as the red light turned on, an old man carrying a box of mineral water and some candies to sell went knocking through the window, I ignored him and looked on the other side with a feeling of guilt then came a man with a disabled person knocking again, begging for some money. I tried to search inside my pocket and found nothing but a pair of 500 pesos. I always try to give but to be honest this time I wouldn’t give my 500. I felt guilty as the taxi already started to run away from them. My mind had to ponder, and felt guilt inside my heart. I wanted to give but I couldn’t give a lot. When they are begging me, it feels like blackmailing me, playing my emotions from thinking rational or make me feel obligated to give because they remind me of having a luckier life. But was I really lucky to have a pair of 500 pesos? Ofcourse not. I worked hard for it.

Old men and women, disabled, begging for food perhaps are considerable, but kids? Where did they learn about money? They are supposed to be innocent. They do not know about stealing and begging.And who taught them?

I realized that begging is a form of laziness, of having given up yourself from living as a normal human being, or even selfishness. It is supporting those irresponsible parents to use their kids or people with disabilities for earning money. Just like them, I also had nothing. I was born poor with lack of everything but begging is a word that never really exists. I haved worked hard for everything I have. We don’t just beg. And if I want something, there’s always a way, a good way to have it.

Sometimes I feel it’s unfair of how they make you feel when they come to you carrying their babies or some disabled siblings like a prop to beg in the streets. I have this thoughts but still ends up digging inside my pockets, looking for something to give. I’ve always try to give to get rid of that feeling even if I know I am not supposed to mind them but still feels like it’s not right. There’s nothing wrong in helping but sometimes I think I feel like supporting them. I could’ve given extra pesos to that old man carrying boxes of water than those who just come to ask. It feels heavy in my chest when I see families sleeping around the streets and getting wet from the rain, seeing kids selling flowers at midnights and kids cleaning cars on daytimes, but who’s responsible for them?

My father once told me “How are you gonna keep them dry from the rain, if you don’t even have an umbrella for yourself?”

I saved my blog and decided to continue writing the next day, I walked towards makati ave and found this old man with his push cart selling coconut juice. It made me realized even more about my thoughts about begging. And then passed another old lady selling rice and pandesal, then I came to a conclusion that we all have what we need to survive. There are old people but still working because they have sense of responsibilities for their own and for those lives they have created. Ofcourse, beggars have reasons why they beg. But how long are they going to do that? And what about the kids they bring along with them seeing their parents beg for money? That’s an unending cycle.

At the end of the day, giving is still better than receiving. And to spend something that I didn’t work hard for wont teach me to grow as a person.

The Cab driver

I have met this cab driver, we had a few talk after he phoned the 14 year old daughter. He was hilarious when he asked the daughter who’s with her, the girl said she’s with classmates name Kayla and Alex, then after hearig he asked “Who’s Alex?, Is it a boy!?” Then the girl said it’s a girl. Haha He told the daughter to wait for him because he’s gonna pick her up for it’s too late to take the jeepney. He is a father of 3. Two sons, a 20 year old studying architecture, 21, engineering, graduating soon and that 14 year old girl. He was such a sweet father, you can tell that he’s got so much to say because he’s kept on talking. He enjoyed the traffic. 😉 He said that he’s scared for his daughter’s safety when she’s out from school late. He told me about the wife, that he’s got only one, nothing on the side. He would of, but he said he doesn’t have a budget for two (in joking way).That’s right! And he told me that it’s better to have only one so he wont get tired from worrying and thinking. He said he won’t let his kids adjust and suffer from his mistakes. It was a good ending statement.

I’ve always felt jealous for those kids with amazing fathers. They are blessed to have one of those. Not everyone gets lucky. He’s a taxi driver, but he’s hardworking so he’s able to send his kids to school. He’s working but still makes time to pick up her daughter. He didn’t have much but he does fulfill his duties and obligations . He was proud.Truly a father. But on the other hand, some fathers can sleep a night without knowing what’s up with their kids. There are some parents that doesn’t give a damn at all. Some makes so many children to different women not thinking about the outcome. Maybe they thought sky’s gonna rain money and food to feed them.

I myself was born as the “child-on-the-side”. I am the one fated to be born with a strange family tree. I didn’t have those family moments, where I have to tell my mom about my first period or ask my father to fix some of my school projects. Never even had a meal with them. What’s with this cab driver that some fathers do not have? That’s maybe the reason why I have high respect to the TAXI drivers, to the carpenters and security guards, because they are not pussies. They have sense of responsibilities.

I hope that as the world gets old, people will grow and not commit the same mistakes as the parents did. I hope that there would be more of him. I hope in the future, people from my country wont triple the number of population, or else, it would become a den of animals.